1. HASTEN DEATH

Cancer has spread to my entire body
Weakness keeps me in bed most of the time
I'm terrified of losing my mind
Brain cancer steals my ability to think
I fear that I'm soon unable to communicate
I don't want to die after such a long struggle and pain
I don't want to suffer at the end of my life
I just wanna quick death
I'm dying, but death isn't quite imminent
I'm dying and I decide the exact point of time myself
Accumulated drugs
I can hasten death
Before I fall into a coma
Before I will die in pain
Cancer has spread to my entire body
Weakness keeps me in bed most of the time
I'm terrified of losing my mind
Brain cancer steals my ability to think
I fear that I'm soon unable to communicate


2. INSIDE MY HEAD

I lost my hair – first round of chemo
As I blew out my candles
I thought about the next year as I always do
Very easy having cancer
Cause you do not know you have it at that time
Very easy having cancer
Until it starts catching up with you
I do not think of myself as a cancer patient everyday
No thoughts of dying
But just enough to bring me down again
I want to talk about the cancer inside my head
The mental disease that I feel
Maybe one day I will have a child and die
If my cancer comes back
Maybe after, when it is older...
No attendance in it's life
If my cancer comes back
No one ever wants to hear it
That any day a bomb will drop again
I'm in war with my own body
This is my personal Vietnam
I lost my hair – first round of chemo
As I blew out my candles
I thought about the next year as I always do
Very easy having cancer
Cause you do not know you have it at that time
Very easy having cancer
Until it starts catching up with you
I do not think of myself as a cancer patient everyday
No thoughts of dying
But just enough to bring me down again
Pain inside my head


3. FINAL GOODBYE

The mortal sick can't ignore the sickness anymore
New surgeries take place new symptoms occur
Becoming wretched and weak no more laughs
Growing feelings of a terrible loss
Numbness, stoicism, anger and wrath soon will move
Enormous pain, preparing the final goodbye
Feelings on guilt, depressions, distress
Desponded questions about a child to care for
No make up for the sickness and approaching death
Trying to imaging everything is solved after one has gone
Trying to release, release the own existence on earth
The loss of a loved one – is an eternal pain
Sick are about to lose everyone they ever loved
Failed in healthy days?
Failed which ignoring the symptoms?
Responsible for the sorrow they feel?
Responsible for my pain?
Becoming wretched and weak, no more laughs
Growing feelings of a terrible loss
Numbness, stoicism, anger and wrath soon will move
Enormous pain, preparing the final goodbye
The loss of a loved one – is an eternal pain
Sick are about to lose everyone they ever loved


4. ANOPHELES

I'll see paradise
When I'm gone I hope I will
Don't try to survive
'cause of my pain myself I would kill
Mortal my life will end caused by a fly
Anopheles mosquito bite ignored the twilight risk
Nausea vomiturition and diarrhea
Accrual of liquids in the lungs fever-stocks
Anopheles – creatures of my god?
Malaria flies that brought me hell
Forever avoiding affected places on earth
I'll see paradise
When I'm gone I hope I will
Don't try to survive
'cause of my pain myself I would kill
Mortal my life will end caused by a fly
Anopheles mosquito bite ignored the twilight risk
Nausea vomiturition and diarrhea
Accrual of liquids in the lungs fever-stocks


5. BLAME MYSELF

Did I mention that I was dying?
Terminal cancer of the lung
Metastasized to my bones and some too my brain
I'm really pretty fucking pissed
Had a really shitty life
And can't really blame anyone but me for that
I can only blame myself
I could blame the tobacco companies
But I'm the one that smoked
They only make a living selling them
I could blame my mom and dad
But they did the best they could do
And so did I, goddamn it
I could blame a god
But I don't believe in that anymore
There's no fucking god
I've got a few months left
They could be the worst months of my life
If I let them try to enjoy them as much as I can
I have no hope
Early on, I hoped to be cured
To be that one in 100
That lung cancer survived
I'm not that lucky though
My luck ran out when my brother gave me the coffin nails
When I was 9
I can only blame myself
I could blame the tobacco companies
But I'm the one that smoked
They only make a living selling them
I can only fucking blame myself


6. TERMINAL

It was a regular Monday evening
I was feeling a big weak
I blamed it on being out in the sun for too long
It was about seven as my phone rang
It was my doctor and life-time confidante
He didn't seem to be himself that night
In his voice I heard some king of fright
I asked him jokingly why he called and then stated
Jokes about dying of some rare disease
It was at this point that I knew that something was wrong
He then proceeded to tell me my brief and boring medical history
Finally he laid it on me I has cancer and it was terminal
The days that followed were difficult
The reactions varied from person to reason
My parents told me to be strong and reassured me
That they were there for me
Finally I realized I have cancer and it's terminal
I have to deal with it, trying to help myself
I felt ostracised from my family and friends
Everyone said that they were concerned
But no one really knows what they should do
No one really knows what to do
Difficult days not getting mad
Difficult days the days you know you will die


7. AGGRESSIVE KILLER

Smoke hangs in the air of the dying room
In it someone lies dying of cancer
Bald from chemo his head lolls
On a pillow dying of cancer
Eyes are open but he can no longer respond
Dying of cancer
The bones of his cheeks and shoulders
Protrude under taut skin
Cancer's now eating lungs and liver
Thinking of the past, impossible turn back
Cell lung cancer – aggressive killer
Symptoms easily ignored
Cell lung cancer – aggressive killer
Within some weeks it takes a life
Smoke hangs in the air of the dying room
In it someone lies dying of cancer
Cell lung cancer – aggressive killer
Bald from chemo his head lolls
On a pillow dying of cancer
Eyes are open but he can no longer respond
Dying of cancer
Cell lung cancer – aggressive killer


8. COMPLETE SURRENDER

Just a normal day, I went for dinner
Suddenly it became very cold
Attack of shuddering, pain left side
Laid me down into a bed
Pain became more intense
Coldness grew – unconsciousness
Stood up, walked away, fell down stairs
Infusions of blood were given – no chance for a cure
10 days I spent in a clinic
10 days to know more and more
10 days to realize I'm dying
My thoughts of death became the core
Therapy for the dying
Treatments without a sense
Coldness grew – unconsciousness
Cold communication
No one really cares for me
Insignificant blather
No one calms me down
10 days I spent in a clinic
10 days to know more and more
10 days to realize I'm dying
My thoughts of death became the core


9. INFLAMMATION

Extreme fever, pain of the neck
Pain in the head
Awareness disfunction, consciousness
Bleeding of the skin
Bacterias carried by blood
Cause heart malfunction
Regurgitation nausea
Within hours it's possible to die
Germs existing in liquids
Not every affected falls sick
Germs existing in liquids within hours they could die
Blood pressure in the brain grows dangerously
Outer walls of the cells are under attack
Hallucinations, confusedness
Lethargy, irascibility
Apathetic, restlessly
Extreme fever, pain of the neck
Pain in the head
Awareness disfunction, consciousness
Bleeding of the skin
Bacterias carried by blood
Cause heart malfunction
Regurgitation nausea
Within hours it's possible to die
Germs existing in liquids
Not every affected fals sick
Germs existing in liquids
Within hours they will die


10. DYING

Pain that grows
No one knows what happens to me
Degenerating body
No one knows what happens to me
Head explodes, my mind collapses
Suffocate, lungs hurt and terribly tear
I'm dying – I'm fucking dying
Head explodes, my mind collapses
Suffocate, lungs hurt and terribly tear
Bones break in simple actions
Arduously dying is what I fear
I'm dying – I'm fucking dying
Head explodes, my mind collapses
Suffocate, lungs hurt and terribly tear
Bones break in simple actions
Arduously dying is what I fear
Who the hell can solve my dying mystery?
Who the hell is able to help me?
I just want to know why I have to die
Head explodes, my mind collapses
Suffocate, lungs hurt and terribly tear
I'm dying – I'm fucking dying
Head explodes, my mind collapses
Suffocate, lungs hurt and terribly tear
Bones break in simple actions
Arduously dying is what I fear